WHY IS GUILT FEMININE?

My relative’s bride seeing ceremony that was showing a lot of promise suddenly nosedived after the bridegroom’s family finally introduced what, in marital terms, is one of the biggest elephants in any room– the DIVORCED elder sister. The sister in question was working in a high paying corporate job. But that didn’t matter! And looking at the way the bridegroom’s family was ready to negotiate on most of their “demands” in this business called marriage, it was obvious that we weren’t the first family to have rejected the marriage proposal on these grounds.  While it took me around two years to even wake up to the fact that we had committed nothing short of a crime, I can still recall the justification that the ELDERS echoed: “The divorced sister would be eternally dependent on her brother and it would become an unnecessary liability. We are not taking any risks when it comes to our daughter’s life!” Such irony how one girl’s life becomes a convenient excuse for destroying another’s!

The case in point elucidates why financial independence of women doesn’t translate into - let’s call it SOCIAL INDEPENDENCE - the ability of a woman to exist in this SOCIETY without being dependent on a man. Of what use then are employment opportunities if every woman has to be still tied down socially to her closest male relationship – be it husband, brother or father? What are truckloads of money worth if it cannot buy her freedom from social slavery?

Considering that marriages are fixed on the basis of nothing more than flimsy astrological predictions and dubious hearsay, it is a miracle that most of them survive the test of time! After all, you can verify a person’s employment, horoscope, family background, assets etc but how do you verify a person’s character? End of the day, a marriage is nothing but a leap of faith and a lot of prayer! Why then, in a failed marriage, is the woman alone held responsible for something the astrologer couldn’t foretell, the parents couldn’t corroborate and most of all for a mistake she most likely didn’t commit? Considering that even the biggest blunders are redeemable and the deadliest sins forgivable, why should this mistake alone be without any scope for redemption? Given that the same predicament can befall any woman, what gives the society the nerve to hold the holier than thou attitude?

Lets for a minute walk in the shoes of the DIVORCED elder sister -  Aren’t we, as a society, ostracizing her and blaming her for something that was totally beyond her control? With every failed marriage proposal for her brother, won’t she be forced to the conclusion that she is far more useful to her family dead rather than alive and divorced? Aren’t we the ones pushing her to that brink? Thank God for small favours though - Thank God this woman had a family that was supportive enough to give her the courage to go ahead with the divorce! Think of the thousands more, who are holding on to their marriage by a whisker, just because they don’t have a supportive family to go back to or are wise enough to realise that it is far better to stay put and endure the atrocities of one rather than opt out and be subjected to the atrocities of an entire society!

Agreed, financial independence does put food on the table and helps to make ends meet, but it can never be the means to end this social stigma! Lasting societal change requires a collective change in mental perspective. That being a humongous task, let’s begin with an awareness on what needs to change - the seemingly innocuous habits and tradition that keep reiterating our long held derogatory perceptions about women:

•  Controlling your actions starts with controlling your thoughts and controlling your thoughts boils down to the words you use – your vocabulary!  Fir galti kyun sirf MERI hai?(Why then does mistake take only feminine gender?)


•  Blind obstinacy in keeping alive age old traditions such as Raksha Bandhan and Karva Chauth without realising that the anachronistic concept of female dependence that these traditions signify don’t hold water in this digital age.

I agree that this is just the tip of the iceberg, but a conscious awareness on the innumerable habits and traditions that shape our perceptions and a persistent effort to make them more meaningful ( How about a Raksha Bandhan with a mutual vow of protection? How about a Karva Chauth where the husbands fast? ) could go a long way in bringing about the much needed social independence for women.

   

P.S. By the way, if I did hurt any literary/religious sentiments, please do forgive! Galti toh MERA hai!!